The dirty secret about networking

Two things worth reading before we start:

Most networking tips for introverts start in the same place: walk into the room, meet as many people as you can, follow up afterward. I've sat through enough conferences to know that playbook well. For some people, it works. They enjoy the room. They connect fast. For years I assumed the fix was getting better at that style, because it seemed like the accepted way in.

It never built trust the way it was supposed to. I could have one great conversation, then spend the rest of the night manufacturing a dozen shallow ones, and it always felt like effort spent in the wrong place. So I started paying attention to which conversations actually stayed with me.

The ones I remembered months later had one thing in common. There was a reason to talk again. A hard problem we'd both wrestled with. An idea that changed how I saw something. Something gave the relationship a reason to continue.

That reframed networking for me. It stopped being a headcount exercise, measured by how many people knew my name by the end of the night. The value was always in whether there was enough substance for a second conversation.

Many introverts don't struggle with relationships. They struggle with the expectation that relationships have to start through constant small talk with strangers. A short exchange can matter. But trust usually needs something underneath it.

The style that works for someone else won't build your network. Notice what actually earns trust for you, and build on that.

Most networking advice starts with finding new people. There's a better starting point: the people you already know.

MIT's Sinan Aral and Erik Brynjolfsson, working with LinkedIn's data science team, tracked how professional ties shaped job mobility across 20 million profiles over five years. The part that stood out was how much weaker connections mattered.

We assume the people closest to us open the biggest doors, because they know us best. Strong ties matter. They give trust and support. But they often sit inside the same professional circles we already understand. Someone you worked with three years ago may now be somewhere entirely different, a new industry, a new role, a new set of relationships you've never touched.

That distance is where the value is. You don't need hundreds of active relationships to benefit from it. A useful network is built from ties strong enough that restarting the conversation feels natural. A former colleague who respected your work is still in your network, even without a recent message. Someone you met once and talked with properly can matter later too.

Start with the people you'd genuinely want to talk to again. That's your list.

Introverts often wait too long to reach out. We want the perfect reason first, something valuable enough to justify the message. Months pass. The gap starts to feel bigger than it is.

Daniel Levin and his colleagues at Rutgers studied what happens when people reconnect with dormant professional ties. The useful finding was that people change while you're apart, and that change is new material for a conversation, not an obstacle to one. Reconnections tend to work better when you name the old relationship and show real interest in what's changed since.

You don't need to explain the gap. A simple message does the job. "I saw your move to X and thought about the work we did together on Y. I'd like to hear how it's going." That gives the conversation a purpose, which makes it easier for both people.

The same logic applies with someone new. Stanford's guidance on building a professional network comes back to being clear about what you want to learn, and thinking about who can actually help with that.

Start from curiosity. You're reaching out because there's something worth discussing, and that beats a vague attempt to "build relationships" every time.

Start smaller than most networking advice suggests. Think of one person you respect but haven't spoken to in a while. A former colleague, or someone you met once and remembered because the conversation was useful.

Choose one person. Not five. Not a list. One.

Send the message. Don't spend half of it explaining where you've been. Careers get busy. Mention a project you worked on together, or a change you noticed. That detail is what makes the message personal.

If they reply, remember what they're working on now. The next conversation gets easier, because you already have context. You're maintaining the relationship before there's any pressure attached to it.

Do this once a week for a month. Four messages. Four people you already knew. That's a network worth having, built without a single event.

If you're more extroverted, networking events probably feel easier. Starting conversations with strangers and finding common ground quickly is a real skill.

The adjustment is remembering the first conversation isn't always where the relationship actually forms. Some people need time to think about what they heard, then follow up later with something more considered, because that's their pace, not disinterest.

The best extroverts already know this. They make introductions useful by giving people a reason to keep talking. Instead of "you two should connect," try "you two should talk, you both worked on international expansion." Now both people have somewhere to start.

I built this one after realising I had no system for deciding who to reach out to first. If you want the same starting point, try this:

Let it do the sorting so you're not staring at a blank contacts list wondering where to start.

The Leader Without the Title

Why the person with no authority is often the one everyone listens to.

Relationships get uncomfortable when you only remember them the moment you need something. Every conversation after that carries pressure. They work better with nothing attached. You need a handful of people who understand your work and remember your conversations, and that takes time. The strongest professional relationships are built from small interactions, long before there's a reason to ask for help.

In your corner,
— Steven

P.S. Share this with the one person who still thinks networking means working the room.

P.P.S. Who's the one person you're finally going to message? Our free five-day email course, Be Seen helps you build visibility without burning your social battery.